I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
