Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
