Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
