For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
