I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm like, not good at living.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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