I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
