I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
