She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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