You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
