you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
