I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
