Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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