My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
