I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
