i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
