why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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