Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
