well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
FUCK WHALES
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
