Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
