The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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