ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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