so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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