I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
