pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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