you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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