Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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