I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
