You work out of a Hotel?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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