He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
