You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
