This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
