The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
