Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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