I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you never un-have a 4some
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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