I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
