so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
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She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.