4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just tell him i said nine months
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey