My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"