can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
