those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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