just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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