So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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