i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
