trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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