At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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