i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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