Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
