i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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