You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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