i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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