Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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