I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
