Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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