Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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