I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
