she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
