He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
