Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
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That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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