I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
