I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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