I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
