i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
